Delia Darling was born one evening in rehearsal for Over Here Theater Company’s new sketch show Channel 53. I was entertaining the company with stories about the very specific guidelines issued by Harliquin, Mills & Boon etc. for their various lines, and our director said “Do it! Make it into a sketch.” I did, several times, and Delia’s little lectures soon became popular with our audiences.

 

 

Although this is meant to raise a smile, it is also quite good advice for anyone who wants to write romance (as opposed to 50 Shades of Bondage). Notice how often the vertical/horizontal rule is followed in films and TV. Even in raunchy, violent Strikeback (love , love, love Philip Winchester as Sgt. Stonebridge!) bad girls get a quickie against a wall, a potential love interest is always on a bed.

 

Here is Delia on heroines:

 

Hello romance fans.  My name is Delia Darling and I am delighted to welcome you to my blog, How to Write a Romance Novel. Over the past few weeks we have spent a good deal of time discussing our hero. His past; his status; his hair colour. But tonight I want you to turn your attention to the other half of the romantic equation – the heroine.

 

When I first started writing romances the heroine was, of course, a virgin and remained so throughout the story. Now I’m afraid publishers just demand sex, sex and more sex…how they expect one to have the time to write I really don’t know. Well anyway, the heroine is no longer expected to be a virgin but she is still and will always be A GOOD GIRL. So how do we engage our good girl in exciting and ravishing sex without her turning into a BAD GIRL.

 

Well there are a number of rules of which you should be aware. Firstly, position. Your heroine only ever has sex in one position – horizontal. Sex against a wall, in a shower, anywhere vertical is completely out of bounds as this is bad girl territory. Secondly, oral sex. The hero may, as a man of the world, introduce the heroine to these delights but under no circumstances whatsoever may she return the favour.

 

Thirdly we have location. Now here you may exercise your imagination. As long as she is on her back on some kind of bed the heroine can have sex pretty much anywhere. For example “she lay back on the tasselled satin cushions in the silken pavilion, her breast heaving with desire as the sheik disrobed to reveal his splendid manhood and swooped down upon her like an eagle stooping to his prey.”

 

Sex out of doors is permissible as long as it is at night, in the middle of nowhere and if there is absolutely no chance of their being spotted. “He lifted her in his strong arms, carried her effortlessly to the topmost crag and laid her tenderly on a bed of sweet smelling heather he had covered with his tartan cloak. She gazed in rapture at the stars until they were blotted out by the fiery passion glowing in his fierce eyes as he led her through a labyrinth of pleasure.”

 

Now, shall we have a little test. I will give you a location and you decide whether it is GOOD GIRL or BAD GIRL.

 

Very well, let’s try sex in a horsebox, good or bad? BAD!  A horsebox is clearly out of bounds because the sex must remain vertical for obvious reasons. Let’s try another one, how about sex in a punt. GOOD! The heroine is horizontal in a punt and as long as darkness has fallen and the hero is careful in his choice of anchorage, shielded by the sweet scented fall of a willow for example, privacy may be assured. So punting is good. Let’s have one more try. How about in a sportscar? BAD, BAD, BAD! Let’s face it, there is only one form of sex that can be entirely successful in an automobile and in this I have expressly stated that the heroine may not engage.

 

To recapitulate: romantic heroines are good girls and therefore can only indulge in sex suitable for future wives and mothers. Now some of you may find this too restricting and would prefer a heroine with more eclectic tastes. If so I would strongly recommend my new book on romance writing entitled Soft Core – How Far Can You Go Before It Gets Hard?