Delia on Vampires was first performed at the Hard Rock Cafe, London, on Halloween. One evening during rehearsals, our director’s husband had been kept late at work and had failed to pick up their two little girls, then 10 and 8 and so she had to bring them with her to the rehearsal room. I didn’t feel very comfortable performing this particular speech in front of two children and so I waited until, I believed, they were out of the room before rehearsing my monologue. We worked on it for about thirty minutes and then she suggested we do a run through without stopping. I had just come to the line Thirdly, remember the vampire’s fangs represent the penis. Well, two penises actually…. and had paused dramatically, after the vampire’s fangs represent the penis. To my absolute horror, two little voices came out from under the director’s table chorusing “Well, two penises actually.”

Delia on Vampires

Hello again romance fans. My name is Delia Darling and I’m delighted to welcome you to my blog How to Write a Romance Novel.

As we have seen the Romance novel can be subdivided into various romantic genres. We have the Regency, the Hospital, the Shopping. But nowadays these are not enough. Publishers expect blood, violence, sadistic sex and not just at the office. The novelist is under pressure as never before. How to quench this thirst for blood? The answer is, of course, the Vampire!  

Your vampire hero must be of aristocratic lineage and European descent. I’m afraid American vampire heroes are rarely successful despite recent attempts. On the other hand Americans make excellent werewolves, perhaps because they require so little transformation.

Now, how do we convince women who swoon at the prospect of a flu shot that the fangs of the vampyre represent the culmination of all their sensual longings?

Well first of all of course he must be beautiful. Ugly vampires, one cannot help feeling, would be staked pretty sharpish! Just my little joke. Do remember however, that you are describing the living dead. “In the glimmering moonlight, his chiselled cheekbones slashed across his face like blades, and above them his eyes gleamed with a savage hunger, belied by the sensitive curve of his full, pale lips.”

Secondly the setting must be sumptuously romantic. Your cowboy hero may get away with making love in the back of a rusty pick-up but the vampire lover requires ambience. “A nightingale hymned the stars as she sped lightly down the steps to the moonlit rose-garden where her dark master awaited her.”

Thirdly, remember the vampire’s fangs represent the penis. Well, two penises actually, and the heroine’s ladyparts are, of course, in her neck. Your language must reflect this. “As his fangs slid like silk into her tumescent, quivering flesh she was carried on a wave of desire to the very pinnacle of rapture.”

Now there may be some of you who, for religious or spiritual reasons, have difficulty with the concept of the vampire as hero. If so I strongly recommend that you purchase my new book entitled Religion and Romance: what is the Missionary’s Position?